How to tell the difference between a rough patch and a relationship that’s over

When going through difficult times in your relationship it can be hard to discern what is a glitch or if something fundamental has changed and it’s a sign of the end.  This has little to do with how much you fight, how much sex you’re not having, or how miserable you feel, or how much you love each other. It has everything to do with your willingness to turn towards the other, to reach out and reconnect.

 Here are four differences between a rough patch and the beginning of the end:

1. We still share a sense of ‘us’.

When things are difficult between you, you still feel that in the big picture, you’re on the same side. Even when angry or miserable, you still care how your partner feels.

When its ending, you lose that sense of being a team and increasingly operate individually, experiencing each other as adversaries and imagining relief without them.

2. We still have a desire to repair,

to make things better. When in conflict at least one of you is trying to understand what is happening. Where there can be some acknowledgement of one’s part, responsibility taken and the ability to apologise, there is tending to the wound. When it's ending, either one or both of you have stopped investing in repair. Arguments, conversations and apologies are repetitive and become meaningless. Indifference can replace anger. 

3. You still share moments of tenderness, joy or surprise,

even when your emotional connection is suffering and you feel lonely and misunderstood. Intimacy and sex may have diminished but when one or both can risk reaching out emotionally, you are able to connect. There is a willingness to move towards each other.

When its ending the curiosity in the other’s inner world evaporates. You no longer feel you want to share thoughts or feelings, and even if physical intimacy continues, emotional distance is here to stay.

4. When the problems feel tough but solvable,

there is hope of change, of working through issues together be it financial loss, a betrayal or bereavement. They may be long-standing difficulties, but could they be managed in a better way? 

When its ending the problems may seem too immense or divisive; perhaps trust cannot be restored, or you recognise you want different lives. Ending a relationship is often a unilateral decision so one may feel hope and the other despair.  Useful questions to ask yourself: 

· If nothing changed, would I still choose this relationship?

· When I imagine us being able to change, do I feel hope or exhaustion?

 · Do I really want this person, or am I afraid of being alone?