Separating well
Co-parenting counselling after divorce
When the loving romantic relationship ends between two people, their parenting journey continues. The choice is parallel parenting or co-operative parenting.
I see couples at various stages of separation, including those who have been apart for some time and still find it valuable to have 3 or 4 joint sessions each year. There will be things you need to work through like organising holidays, changing schools or introducing a new partner.
The best way parents can protect their children is to separate their own hurt, pain and anger from their kids. Parent’s pain is adult business and needs to be attended to, perhaps with personal therapy.
Responsible parenting means putting the children’s needs at the centre of decision making and working collaboratively to share information, discuss difficulties and work through issues. Kids feel safe with their parents care and respect each other, and this approach also supports parents with their own differentiation and building a collaborative alliance with the ex-partner.
1. Communicate respectfully
In text messages and emails, don’t take shortcuts that can be interpreted as hostile. Be mindful and polite and remember you are building a collaborative alliance with your ex – or not, with every interaction.
2. Keep the child out of the middle
Children should never be messengers, spies or confidents. Don’t ask questions about the other parent or criticise them. Your child is not the one to sooth your emotional pain.
3. Build a new parenting relationship with clear boundaries
Parents need to communicate clearly about their kids. It helps to assume the best, be flexible with plans and avoid talk of other potentially difficult issues when discussing the kids. Professional support can be very helpful with this.
4. Support the child’s relationship with the other parent
No one else is going to love your child as much as their parents, and it’s important in that children have much time with both (in most cases). Don’t make a child feel that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other.
5. Allow kids to have feelings without asking them to fix the adults
Your children will have their own thoughts and feelings and need to be free to express themselves without worrying how that might affect their parent. Being able to listen, being non-judgmental and curious allows the child to get to know their own emotions.
Dr Harville Hendrix devised a good process called the ‘Relationship Vision’, I have modified this idea to suit separating couples and call it the ‘Relationship Revision’. It’s a way of spelling out what is important, what’s likely to be tricky and what you can both agree. It becomes a blueprint for the way forward and is useful guide for your behaviours and decisions.