What the Gottman’s and Schnarch agree on about conflict
5 overlapping ideas
Drs John and Julie Gottman and Dr David Schnarch are leaders in the field of relationship therapy. I trained with David Schnarch and am very familiar with the Gottman’s approach. Both camps take conflict seriously, not simply as something to be eliminated but that it reveals important truths about the relationship and the people within it.
The Gottman’s focus on how couples manage conflict and maintain connection, Schnarch focuses more on how people develop the emotional maturity to tolerate conflict, difference and intimacy, without losing themselves. This is differentiation.
These approaches are complimentary with the Gottman’s offering a practical framework for working with conflict, and Schnarch providing a deeper dive on the psychological development that may be required for couples to resolve it.
There are 5 areas where these ideas overlap:
1. Conflict is inevitable and can be an opportunity for growth
Conflict doesn’t mean a relationship is failing, it may reveal what a couple needs to explore and understand.
The Gottman’s estimate that 68% of couple issues are ‘perpetual’ and require ongoing management. The rest are solvable, so need to be worked through. Schnarch views emotional gridlock as potentially a developmental moment where instead of escaping the discomfort, it is used to develop greater maturity.
2. Stop trying to win, control or change your partner
You cannot make a good relationship by making your partner wrong until they change.The Gottman’s work to help partners change the way they engage, whereas Schnarch puts emphasis on changing how each person manages themselves in the relationship.
3. Learn to tolerate difficult emotions without escalating
Both camps value emotional regulation and agree that being distressed doesn’t have to mean shutting down and abandoning what matters. Both advise self-soothing, taking time out to calm down and returning to talk when able to.
Schnarch emphasises developing the capacity to tolerate discomfort without depending on reassurance or agreement.
4. Intimacy requires being able to face difference
Genuine intimacy isn’t the same as agreement. It involves making room for two distinct people in one relationship.Schnarch says intimacy means allowing yourself to be known and to maintain your sense of self even when your partner is not approving, agreeing or validating you. Maintaining your sense of self while staying connected to your partner is central to differentiation.
5. Repair matters more than never getting it wrong
The shared idea is that mature relationships are where both people can respond to difficulty with greater responsibility and less reactivity.
The Gottman’s emphasise the value of repair attempts; acknowledging harm, using humour and apologising to find a way back to connection.
Schnarch asks if we can remain open, honest and caring when the relationship isn’t giving the response you want. Can you take responsibility for your own behaviour without making your integrity dependent on your partner’s response?
Dr David Schnarch is the author of PASSIONATE MARRIAGE, DESIRE & INTIMACY, and BRAINTALK.
Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman are the authors of FIGHT RIGHT, EIGHT DATES, THE 7 PRINCIPALS FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK and many others.