What actually happens in couples counselling
a walk-through of a first session
Before we meet, I’ve already emailed information about times, costs, what to expect and links to my short videos which give a good sense how I work.
In my practice the first session is always exploratory.
The initial session is setting the scene. I will be asking how long the couple have been together, any previous marriages, are there children, and what are their occupations. Also are there particular circumstances impact their lived experience; caring for an elder, part-time parenting or facing financial challenges, that will inform the couples therapy.
What brings them here now? what they are hoping for? Each may have a different answer, and it’s important this is understood. One may be set on making things better while the other is ambivalent about staying.
Its good to know if there has been any previous couples counselling and personal therapy?. What has been helpful? Family background plays a big role in the relational dynamics with our partner, and we may experience them behaving like one of our parents.
My job is to enquire and listen, and to share what I see. In this session It’s there is time for stories to be shared and for each to have to speak. Both people want to feel well attended to. This work is about articulating feelings and opening conversations. And so being able to better able to make connection, and to understand each other’s experience.
I’m curious too, how the couple interact; can they listen to each other, do they look at their partner, does one interrupt? Are they able to manage themselves when hearing things they don’t like or agree with? Can they acknowledge their own poor behaviour and take responsibility for it?
It may be the first time they are talking with a therapist, and so its new having a 3rd view in the room, and that can help them to widen the frame, and perhaps see their dynamics in a different way. Fresh insights are very encouraging.
Clients leave with information sheets I’ve gleaned from relationship experts including David Richo, David Schnarch, Terry Real, Helen Fisher and John Gottman, explaining universal ideas that support good relationships.
First sessions are often very satisfying. Clients have made the decision, made the appointment and made it to the first session, so there is relief and hope, both of which can be supportive to the therapeutic process.
Following that initial session, clients are encouraged to talk together at home and decide if this feels right and helpful before committing to ongoing work.
When a couple return to work with me, we make 6 appointments, expecting there will be more, sometimes many more. Being committed to several sessions up front supports good work. The question is always is this useful? Not does it feel good but are we dealing with real stuff that we need to work on. Sometimes that will feel very good, and sometimes it won’t.