Six questions to ask before choosing a couples therapist

To get the best results

Finding a suitable therapist can be daunting, and finding a couple’s therapist is high stakes as the therapist’s approach can influence how a couple communicate and how they understand the relationship itself.  An effective therapist helps both partners explore what is happening between them and enables them to better see their own role in the dynamics.  Here are a few things to consider

1. Where do we find a good therapist?

Couples work is very different from individual therapy, so its essential to ensure the therapist is trained and experienced in this type of work.  Online counselling directories and organisations like welldoing.org provide good search functions.  Or you may get a referral or recommendation; either way, always check out profile, website, articles or social media to get your own impression of the therapist and how they work – does it feel like a good fit?

2. How do we know if they are right for us?

You may get lucky first time but be willing to try 2 or 3 therapists. Reach out with some questions, or ask for a call to have an initial chat.  And expect the first session to be exploratory; afterwards ask yourselves Does this feel helpful?  

3. What if we don’t know if we will stay together? 

Many couples are wondering this, even if not openly acknowledged.  The purpose of the work is to face up to issues plaguing the relationship and undertake a process of discovery. People can worry that therapy is only about getting closer, so it may not be right for them. Good couples therapy is about knowing a bit more about yourself and the relationship, and that supports couple who do better together, and those who decide to separate.

 4. Will the therapist understand our issues and communication problems?

Every distressed couple has ‘communication problems’. You may be fighting or not talking, and although you’re not hearing each other, communication isn’t the issue.You want to find a therapist who has a deep understanding of couple dynamics, how they are shaped through attachment styles, family background, trauma, inequality and so on.  A rich, professional perspective can widen the frame for you both, allowing you to see beyond habitual actions and reactions, and THAT is very useful and a good beginning. 

5. Are we both willing to work on the relationship?

Even if you’re the one who initiated the idea, you may still feel trepidation and resistance to couple counselling.Are you questioning if your partner is genuinely agreeing with you or appeasing you? Are they less committed than you, but want to be able to say they tried everything?Therapy may show up aspects of your dynamic you don’t want to see, but as Maya Angelou so wisely said ‘when you know better, you do better’.It helps to attend to your own contribution to the relationship, to differentiate yourself and not depend on your partner to do the same. Perhaps they will.

6. How will we know if couples therapy is working?

‘Success’ is not about feeling good, while that’s nice, the big question is it helpful?  Is there new information? Has it changed how you see your connection, your partner, yourself? have you had any Ah Ha moments?  You may be challenged in session or come up against old, sore feelings, and if well held, this is an opportunity to grow. Couples work is most satisfying when it's growthful; so what is suffered becomes learning that contributes to maturity and wisdom. After three or four sessions, you should know if the work is useful. If it is, keep going and make the most of the opportunity.